05.26.12 | Saturday

An Igloo made of Books by Miler Lagos

(Source: fer1972)

05.26.12 | Saturday

in review

it’s nearing four o’clock in the morning and i can’t sleep.

in the past month, i’ve gotten so wrapped up in my “studies” that i seem to have lost sight of everything around me. even though i was devoting 3-4 hours each day at the library reading through number properties and grammar rules, the time spent was misguided. the hours i put in were long but unproductive. i limited myself to one day a week for “fun” but even on those days i felt guilty i wasn’t at home studying.

needless to say, my relationships started to deteriorate. i said i needed space and time, and my wishes were respected. but what i didn’t know was how closed off i was becoming. i was starting to cave in on myself but it seemed like no one could even tell. 

my boyfriend took the brunt of it. i was snappy and irritable. i was crying constantly, but there was nothing he could do. i’m not sure i even gave him the chance.

everywhere else i became complacent. 

it was like it was only me and the test. i clung desperately to the idea that magically, after test day, everything would fall back into perfect place again.

but i had an inkling that things wouldn’t be so simple. i wasn’t scoring anywhere near my target score during my practice exams. i was betting on a miracle.

and then i got sick.

i was exhausted and unhealthy, both mentally and physically. the test came and went but the relief never came. the miracle didn’t happen. i was in even more of a mess.

it’s been a week now. only until a few days ago did i finally put aside the feelings of regret. i’m feeling cautious but i know that after this weekend of recharging, it’ll be time to get back on that horse again. except this time, i know i need things to be as “normal”  and balanced as possible. there are still a lot of things i need to fix, but this time… slow and steady.

05.05.12 | Saturday

i love this song.

04.21.12 | Saturday

a series of resets

i’m at a point where i feel like daily life has become a mild-to-average roller coaster. it’s full of climbs and drops (ugh my least favorite kind of ride) and i can’t seem to arrive at any sort of platform.

and i definitely am one of those people who just spirals. one things seems to lead easily to another.

example:

my studying is not going particularly well → instead of working harder, i avoid it → “passing out” instead of studying → not doing any pre-bed face watching routines → disgusting skin → low self esteem → start to eat like crazy gaining weight until i’m at the heaviest i’ve been in the past 3 years → general grossness → avoiding people → getting more antisocial → feeling alone and disgusting

unfortunately, this is not a chain of events but rather a [pretty trivial] cycle…

i know, girls are so complicated.

what i try to do is give myself a little mental reset - a small shift in paradigm, a new regimen to follow, self-encouraging words that “i can DO THIS.”

but my problem is sustaining these “new starts” when inevitably something big or small will affect me and then snowball into trouble (see above). without planning it, my life has slowly become a series of little resets.

what i need to do is to see broader. it’s time to work toward a mindset where i’m not letting all the little things in life bother me as much. easier said than done for a control freak like me, but it definitely helps to see the bigger picture.

it’s only natural that a person needs a little refresh every once in awhile, but this time i think it’ll be just a little more effective.

04.16.12 | Monday

these collabs are always so fun.

mark foster x a-trak x kimbra - warrior

04.08.12 | Sunday

i feel like this is exactly where i am at this stage of life. CANNOT wait to start getting into this…!

03.27.12 | Tuesday

plan of attack

this past week has been rough. in fact, i’m still taking antibiotics… 

nevertheless, time stands still for no one and it’s the 27th of march, which means exactly ONE MONTH away from my GMAT. despite my sporadic anxiety attacks over the past month, it didn’t exactly register until yesterday. 

i’ve been mulling over the idea of taking the penalty and not sitting for the test, but firmly tossed that thought away. if anything, it will be a really expensive practice run.

i have a month, and i think i still have a shot.

i have a few things to my advantage - it hasn’t been that long since i stopped being a full-time student, meaning i still kind of remember how to study (kind of. barely…), i have a decent foundation in math and english (though surprisingly less so in the verbal), i’m working part-time right now, and i am anti-social…

dammit, 700 OR BUST!

03.22.12 | Thursday

heyoscarwilde:

Myriad Of Murrays

Bill Murray(s) illustrated by Meghan Stratman :: via bunnypirates.com

03.07.12 | Wednesday

my own worst enemy

over this past week, i have made one important revelation:

i am a terrible student.

my study habits don’t seem to have evolved since high school; i have the attention span of a goldfish, and i keep finding ways to distract myself. i.e. “okay… so fractions, huh? well, so i multip- oh my, i think the voice is on hulu already!” so, in seven days, i’ve read less than 3 chapters of the guide. that’s like, 50 pages, total. and yet i am totally caught up on happy endings!

or i’ll have the sudden impulse to scrub down my entire room, because you know, it’s just so distracting…

my grossest habit, though, hands down, stems from my inner-bear.

i put everything on my bed- books, pencils, bottles of water, cookies, chips- and attempt to study in this pile/cave i’ve made for myself. inevitably, it all ends the same way. i drink all the water, eat all the food (yes, on my bed. don’t judge), read two lines from the text, and promptly fall asleep.

02.27.12 | Monday

going for it

lana and i have been discussing 2012 a lot recently, mostly going through why this year sucks, and ending with the decision that this would be the year of self improvement.

and we all know that one of the first steps in dealing with a problem is to admit you have one. so i am just going to go out and say this… i have commitment issues.

no, not like that.

see, my mother has always said that i am only into things for five minutes (for some reason, that sounded way less stupid in chinese). but mostly she means that i get an idea into my head, get super into it, and then it just fizzles out when i move on to the next thing. it’s like when you write an essay that starts off amazing, like a tiger’s head, but then ends in a snake tail (ah, yet another chinese idiom that doesn’t seem to translate)…

i think it’s about time i work on this. 

1. Health/Fitness - for the first time in my life, i’m working out with a personal trainer! she’s really great and a good mentor figure to me. but aside from going in once - twice a week, i am still indulging in my bad eating habits, and i can’t seem to drag myself to do simple cardio on my off days. this ends now. committing to eating better and moving more!
2. GMAT - i took the first step and decided I AM GOING TO DO THIS. today i took another step and signed up for a prep course. my books are still on the floor, and i haven’t even looked at the diagnostic test yet. no! committing to scoring above a 700 on the GMAT!
3. MY FACE - okay, the way this is written sounds ridic, but i mainly mean to take care of my skin. i don’t think i’ve ever had good skin in my life, but i’ve been going in for facials/torture these past two weeks. don’t get me wrong, i’ve had my share of extractions (you know, where they push out the impurities from your skin? you don’t know?! if this is because you are blessed with naturally great skin, i want you to get out. now.) but this is pain on a whole ‘nother level. i don’t know if i’ve gritted my teeth so hard before. i cried. yes, tears! and yet i’ve fucked up and fell asleep a few times this past week with my makeup on. which is probably the worst thing you could ever do to your skin. and sometimes i wouldn’t use the masque because it dries out my skin so much that i’m shedding and flaking everywhere, even though she says this is a must… committing to being ugly these next few weeks so i could be prettier for the next few years.

as cliché as it sounds, one of my biggest fears is committing to something, and then failing. because if i actually go for it, and i don’t do well, i can’t say i didn’t try. because i did. and to be honest, this has been the cause of so many last minute essays and half-assed projects, if they even get done at all. 

but i believe it’s time to grow, and for me, that means, committing to my own ideas and decisions and owning it.